round is round

Gaining weight is weird. I used to have ballet lessons four times a week plus swing dancing once/week, then it dropped to 2 ballet, sometimes a swing, then one ballet night of teaching, then once a week ballroom. Currently I try to get on the DDR mats once/week. I made it to one Scottish Country Dance lesson so far this summer but that's it. Unfortunately I still use the old solution of nibbling at night to stay awake so needless to say I've gained some weight in the last year.

A friend recently saw my new haircut and liked it but said, "It makes your face look round." Hah. I told her it was actually the weight I'd gained. She quickly said it looked good on me . . .

The same week my 80-something-year-old neighbour caught me in the front yard. He said, "You've put some weight on. Looks good. I hate skinny women." I'm so glad I could make him happy.

I'm torn. Physically I feel awful. About 2 years ago I finally reached a point where I was fairly happy with my body. I mean, I'd birthed and nurtured 3 healthy kids with it, I was 30 years old, could do the splits, kick my legs over my head, spin a pirouette, dance on my toes . . . and I even had a couple of pieces of clothing that I could wear out into public. Feeling good in my body contributed to the confidence that led me to dating, going back to school, taking ballet exams. Of course the body wasn't the only thing - something like confidence builds energy as it gets rolling. Once I found out I could do stuff, well, it carried me along.

But back to gaining weight.

I'm not particularly focused on appearances - I shower, I brush my hair most days. But I'm too busy and not really interested in doing much more. I'm a step away from the crunchy granola I once was, but just a baby step. I'm really having a hard time with this extra weight - is it 10 lbs? 20 lbs? How can I even know? It's not the kind of question you ask. Was I skinny? I don't think so. Am I fat now? I don't know that either. My clothes mostly fit - but the old ones aren't comfortable. Is it because I've gotten used to low-rise or because I've, ahem, grown?

I do know that one of the consequences of this extra weight is that for the first time in my non-lactating life I have breasts. Not big ones, but there they are. Sticking right out of my chest (if you look really closely). This to me is the weirdest thing. Bras have always been an option but now, I feel like people are staring at me if I don't wear one. It may be like I said earlier, that I've move out of the granola phase and it's more socially acceptable in the circles where I move for women to bind breasts, but I can't be sure if I'm just hitting that awkward stage girls usually go through during puberty when they first start developing. Sometimes I want to hide, sometimes I want to walk proudly.

If I try really hard I can make something close to cleavage which is another interesting phenomenon. It's not good enough for tucking dollar bills into so I don't think I'm looking at a new career or anything just yet.

I'm glad it's just temporary (or at least that's what I'm telling myself). I keep saying that I'm going to quit the nibbling and get more exercise but it's hard to not eat when I'm hungry. It's also important that I stay awake and get the studying done. I could learn to drink coffee (blah) but then I'm getting into something addictive and stinky. There's no easy solution.