taking it off

I've been working on putting all my papers up on a website in hopes of making them work for me. Considering all the work I've put into them it's only fair that they reciprocate. Problem is I'm realizing though, that women's studies is a pretty touchy feely kind of discipline. There's a lot of personal stuff in these papers. I'm having to spend a lot of time going through them and taking out the stuff I wouldn't want (for example) my father to read (not that he's going to read it, but still). Or for example my boyfriend. Or my boyfriend's friends.

Someone sent me an email about how all his friends are going to see me with my shirt off. I guess if they've read the previous post here about how I have no breasts it won't be such a shock. ;) But really, what can I say? It's art. and it's women's studies. how can you have the two together without a topless woman somewhere on the page? I think it's artistic enough to avoid any nsfw-ness . . . and besides, this is Ontario. It's legal here.

use it or lose it

Back in the day . . .

I loved algebra. And physics. I did really really well in them too until I got hit by some pretty severe teenage angst. My all-time favourite high school math course was Euclidean geometry. The challenge of proofs got me pretty excited. Ahhhh and chemistry. . . . Mr. Hawke's Periodic Table of Elements was etched in my mind for years. But then that angst hit and I discoverd art and out went the dreams of aerospace engineering and pfffffffff away it all went. Now it's gone. All gone. Fifteen years later and I struggle to understand bitrates and filesizes and whether it's down and then over or over and then down. My brain just doesn't function in these ways anymore.

Sure I can write 4 papers on feminist theory/day and bake a mean (in a pacifist sort of way) vegan casserole but why doesn't math stay in my head anymore? Why am I so easily frustrated? I'm ashamed to say I wasn't confident I was correctly expressing a ratio as a percent this week. What kind of loser does this make me??? I am torn between thinking (1) if I truly needed to I could remember/relearn what I used to know, that I'm fully capable and (2) thinking it's just not possible. I thought about taking Calculus at the U some semester, one of those things I always wanted to do but never got to do in highschool (timetable conflict with some art or music course probably) but it could totally blow my GPA. Same goes for stats. I'm not required to take stats for my BA but it will probably be required for any Masters. Then I start wondering if I really want to go ahead with the Masters. Suddenly sidetracked.

Michael made a video for his Masters. Maybe I could get into his program. :) I'd love to do my anthology for credit. Or a play. Or anything multimedia. Anything but more courses. Gotta get in there and talk to that advisor one of these days.

green

jealousy is a horrible thing.

I think I am jealous. Not of anyone or anything in particular, just jealous in general. And depressed. I'm getting into a weird sort of state, one that I don't recognize. It's not the usual sort of overwhelming that comes with exam and paper crunch . . . this one is different somehow.

I know it's not that serious because I can still muster the motivation to shower. But that's about where it ends these days. I care less and less about doing my schoolwork. I handed in 16 pages today, another 2 are due in 3 days, another 4 days after that, then 14 three days after that. A final exam the next day, then things get lighter. Ten more pages over the next 2 weeks and one more final then I get two weeks off. Not so bad is it? Hmm 30 pages. Add to that the ~80 excels to mark, then their unix, and the final excel and *then* the 2 weeks off. /sigh/ It's not so bad.

Maybe I've realized that this will be the pace of my life. I will always be overwhelmed. I will never catch up. I've given up trying to find time to bring the sleeping bags to the laundromat. I've found a place that will wash them for me for a ridiculous fee. I'll bring them the comforter that the cat threw up on *last winter* and they can wash that too. And then I can put it back on my bed where it belongs.

I hung my curtains in here finally. I bought the rod about 6 months ago and the curtains 3 months ago. I feel such shame for letting these things stare at me for so long. When I was growing up these sorts of things were unheard of. Tasks were completed as necessary. Things were never left for tomorrow. Of course I don't remember spending much time with my parents . . . I suppose they were busy keeping up.

If I'm always so busy why am I never caught up????

Maybe it's not depression so much as melancholy. I haven't been out of the house for days it seems. I made an emergency tp run because X freaked that she might have to use tissues. It was like stepping into some kind of warped world. People were dressed brightly and talking, some laughing, some miserable. I really wasn't comfortable and got home as quickly as I could.

I've been invited out tonight and/or tomorrow night. I really am not sure I can muster the strength to make myself presentable. I don't want to inflict my bad attitude on anyone else. But declining is rude too.

I just want to crawl in a cocoon and sleep for a month. or a year.

It's probably just pms. I'm sure I've felt this way before. I really need more exercise.

I have a new plan that I'm hoping is going to help. I've given up snacking and have started cutting back meals. I've got to do something about feeling like crap all the time. I'm drinking more water. I don't know how long it will take or if it will work but I have to do something. The water was hard to start but now that I've gotten used to it it's actually working. It's very filling. Of course the lack of calories may catch up with me, might be part of why I'm so tired. But from what I remember, it goes away.

If it wasn't raining (or pitch black night) I'd head outside for some exercise. I'll be crying when ballet starts again. I have 4 1/2 months to prepare for my ballet exam. I have a feeling a lot is resting on this exam. If I don't take it I won't get another opportunity for elementary at this point in my life. I prepared it once before: maybe that is what is stopping me. This exam is inextricably linked to futility in my heart's memory. Having been refused an attempt at it before I resent having to prepare the material all over again. I realize there's no choice, but I don't have to like it.

So I'm still miserable.

Sleeeeeeeep.

pitbull

While I was away camping and having a lovely (and mosquitoey) time, my neighbours adopted a pitbull. Uggh. I came back to barking at the fence every time I brought a load from the car to the house, everytime I wanted to hang laundry on the clothesline and everytime I needed to get my bike from the shed. The kids and I became like prisoners in the house, afraid to go out.

Our community has a bylaw stating pitpulls older than the bylaw can stay if they're in a specially constructed pen, or muzzled and on a leash under the control of an adult At All Times. My neighbours prefer to let their dog run freely in the backyard, no muzzle, no leash, no adult. Our fence isn't strong enough to keep the nails from popping out if you even so much as bump into it; days like this I'd really like a strong privacy fence even if it does make the yard seem smaller. At least I can't see the teeth coming at me.

Several calls to the bylaw enforcement office and eventually the inspector made a trip out to their house. They were informed of the bylaw - hadn't had a clue - and I was assured that there'd be no further problems. The story goes that they're pet sitting for an out of town relation The warning didn't work. 4 hours later there was the dog again, running loose in the yard.

Inspector came out again and wrote up the first $500 ticket. The bylaws are there to protect us - these people wouldn't even have known if the dog had gotten out of the fence and went tearing down the street. The fence is not strong enough to stop anything that wants to get out. It's really just a decoration. If I was rich I'd build a new one - or Move. The ticket had no effect.

Friday night I called the hotline because Inspector had already gone home. I couldn't stand another weekend trapped inside. So much for the inflatable pool in the backyard: the kids were way to scared to go out the door let alone off the porch or have fun in the pool. Two inspectors came out after hours and there was no dog to be seen all day Sunday.

Well, Monday morning first thing, Inspector calls me to say petsitting is finished the dog has gone back to its owner's and there shouldn't be any more problem. Hah! 15 minutes later as I step out the door to bring the kids to their dad's there's the pitbull, loose in the backyard but this time wearing a muzzle. I call Inspector who says he'll be right over.

When I get back from walking the kids Inspector is on the porch and the dog is in the back trying to tear its muzzle off. It's doing a pretty good job and has it half off already. A little black poodle (another dog that seems to live there some of the time) is helping by pulling fiercely on the buckle. They get the muzzle off so the pitbull has it around his chin like some weird goatee. So much for the muzzle.

It's been a couple of hours and there's no sign now of any dog, the Inspector, or the owner. I'd love to hear "there won't be any more problem" but I'm not sure I'll believe it. We did enjoy the swim last night thinking that the dog was gone and we were safe; it would sure be nice to go back to living like our biggest threats are the smog and the thieves that are basic to the community - but who knows where the dog is now?

my rotten keyboard

I've given up hope on wireless peripherals. In other words, I hate my Microsoft Wireless Desktop. Sure it was fun at first, we had some good times, my cats had to give up chewing the cords which was good for them too, but I suppose all good things must come to an end.

I've gotten fed up with the intermittent response. New batteries make no difference, nor does resetting the connection. I switched to my brother's mouse which I've got temporarily while I reformat his computer. a few days later I popped in his keyboard too. I decided the wires aren't that much trouble and in fact are a wonderful exchange for the usability!!!

So I headed over to Staples to see what I could find. I was there anyway looking for a firesafe to prevent any further thefts from my babysitters /sigh/ (but that's another story).

I figured since I'm having all this wrist pain lately maybe the thing to do is to look at an ergonomic keyboard. the only one on the shelf was a Microsoft, so when Matt in hardware asked if he could help me find something I laid it out plain and clear: have you got an ergonomic keyboard made by anyone else?

Logitech didn't seem to show anything on their website but lo and behold if Belkin doens't make one. I have no idea who Belkin is - makes me think of Graymalkin from macbeth - but $40 and 7-10 days later (or sooner) I'll be sitting pretty with my new keyboard, or so I hope.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing with the wireless piece of frustration I have sitting on the floor in the playroom/office but maybe it will make a nice toy for the kids. I was thinking of duct taping some wires to it so the cats can have something fun to play with.

what an adventure.

round is round

Gaining weight is weird. I used to have ballet lessons four times a week plus swing dancing once/week, then it dropped to 2 ballet, sometimes a swing, then one ballet night of teaching, then once a week ballroom. Currently I try to get on the DDR mats once/week. I made it to one Scottish Country Dance lesson so far this summer but that's it. Unfortunately I still use the old solution of nibbling at night to stay awake so needless to say I've gained some weight in the last year.

A friend recently saw my new haircut and liked it but said, "It makes your face look round." Hah. I told her it was actually the weight I'd gained. She quickly said it looked good on me . . .

The same week my 80-something-year-old neighbour caught me in the front yard. He said, "You've put some weight on. Looks good. I hate skinny women." I'm so glad I could make him happy.

I'm torn. Physically I feel awful. About 2 years ago I finally reached a point where I was fairly happy with my body. I mean, I'd birthed and nurtured 3 healthy kids with it, I was 30 years old, could do the splits, kick my legs over my head, spin a pirouette, dance on my toes . . . and I even had a couple of pieces of clothing that I could wear out into public. Feeling good in my body contributed to the confidence that led me to dating, going back to school, taking ballet exams. Of course the body wasn't the only thing - something like confidence builds energy as it gets rolling. Once I found out I could do stuff, well, it carried me along.

But back to gaining weight.

I'm not particularly focused on appearances - I shower, I brush my hair most days. But I'm too busy and not really interested in doing much more. I'm a step away from the crunchy granola I once was, but just a baby step. I'm really having a hard time with this extra weight - is it 10 lbs? 20 lbs? How can I even know? It's not the kind of question you ask. Was I skinny? I don't think so. Am I fat now? I don't know that either. My clothes mostly fit - but the old ones aren't comfortable. Is it because I've gotten used to low-rise or because I've, ahem, grown?

I do know that one of the consequences of this extra weight is that for the first time in my non-lactating life I have breasts. Not big ones, but there they are. Sticking right out of my chest (if you look really closely). This to me is the weirdest thing. Bras have always been an option but now, I feel like people are staring at me if I don't wear one. It may be like I said earlier, that I've move out of the granola phase and it's more socially acceptable in the circles where I move for women to bind breasts, but I can't be sure if I'm just hitting that awkward stage girls usually go through during puberty when they first start developing. Sometimes I want to hide, sometimes I want to walk proudly.

If I try really hard I can make something close to cleavage which is another interesting phenomenon. It's not good enough for tucking dollar bills into so I don't think I'm looking at a new career or anything just yet.

I'm glad it's just temporary (or at least that's what I'm telling myself). I keep saying that I'm going to quit the nibbling and get more exercise but it's hard to not eat when I'm hungry. It's also important that I stay awake and get the studying done. I could learn to drink coffee (blah) but then I'm getting into something addictive and stinky. There's no easy solution.

summer vacation

School's out and the kids are home. We're home from our camping trip and today's the first day of staying at home. It might be more fun if I had any groceries but even without, we're having a good time.

This morning was spent unpacking (still) from the long weekend. The laundry is endless and so is the sand. The mosquito bites are all healing and lucky for us none of us got poison ivy.

I played cards with my kids. I hope this can ease the parental guilt for another couple of days.

My youngest is here beside me asking me how to spell words and then what the letters look like. He's four and has lost his handy dandy alphabet sheet. The other two are playing k'nex in the living room. No one is fighting, no one is crying. For now. I'm still getting interrupted every ~2 mins which makes studying difficult. I've switched to blogging for a bit of a break and so I have something to show for my day.

I just finished the list of everything I have to do by Monday. I can't believe I've done it to myself again. I've easily got 40+ hours of work on here. Again it will come down to prioritizing and doing half-jobs on several of these tasks, producing less than my best quality work on several of them. That's got to be the hardest part of over-tasking.

There's a shelf I'd like to hang - and oh yeah, the tents are all set up in my backyard. Hmm. Stuff like that - and the rotten boards on the back porch - are just "always there" types of jobs. They don't make it to the list because there's just no way they'll ever get done, even though they'd make life so much easier. I'm not looking forward to going through the porch, nor is it easy to navigate the tent maze. The shelf would mean I could get the books off the floor - /sigh/

Maybe I'll forget about the school work and focus on housework.

There's no easy answer.