green

jealousy is a horrible thing.

I think I am jealous. Not of anyone or anything in particular, just jealous in general. And depressed. I'm getting into a weird sort of state, one that I don't recognize. It's not the usual sort of overwhelming that comes with exam and paper crunch . . . this one is different somehow.

I know it's not that serious because I can still muster the motivation to shower. But that's about where it ends these days. I care less and less about doing my schoolwork. I handed in 16 pages today, another 2 are due in 3 days, another 4 days after that, then 14 three days after that. A final exam the next day, then things get lighter. Ten more pages over the next 2 weeks and one more final then I get two weeks off. Not so bad is it? Hmm 30 pages. Add to that the ~80 excels to mark, then their unix, and the final excel and *then* the 2 weeks off. /sigh/ It's not so bad.

Maybe I've realized that this will be the pace of my life. I will always be overwhelmed. I will never catch up. I've given up trying to find time to bring the sleeping bags to the laundromat. I've found a place that will wash them for me for a ridiculous fee. I'll bring them the comforter that the cat threw up on *last winter* and they can wash that too. And then I can put it back on my bed where it belongs.

I hung my curtains in here finally. I bought the rod about 6 months ago and the curtains 3 months ago. I feel such shame for letting these things stare at me for so long. When I was growing up these sorts of things were unheard of. Tasks were completed as necessary. Things were never left for tomorrow. Of course I don't remember spending much time with my parents . . . I suppose they were busy keeping up.

If I'm always so busy why am I never caught up????

Maybe it's not depression so much as melancholy. I haven't been out of the house for days it seems. I made an emergency tp run because X freaked that she might have to use tissues. It was like stepping into some kind of warped world. People were dressed brightly and talking, some laughing, some miserable. I really wasn't comfortable and got home as quickly as I could.

I've been invited out tonight and/or tomorrow night. I really am not sure I can muster the strength to make myself presentable. I don't want to inflict my bad attitude on anyone else. But declining is rude too.

I just want to crawl in a cocoon and sleep for a month. or a year.

It's probably just pms. I'm sure I've felt this way before. I really need more exercise.

I have a new plan that I'm hoping is going to help. I've given up snacking and have started cutting back meals. I've got to do something about feeling like crap all the time. I'm drinking more water. I don't know how long it will take or if it will work but I have to do something. The water was hard to start but now that I've gotten used to it it's actually working. It's very filling. Of course the lack of calories may catch up with me, might be part of why I'm so tired. But from what I remember, it goes away.

If it wasn't raining (or pitch black night) I'd head outside for some exercise. I'll be crying when ballet starts again. I have 4 1/2 months to prepare for my ballet exam. I have a feeling a lot is resting on this exam. If I don't take it I won't get another opportunity for elementary at this point in my life. I prepared it once before: maybe that is what is stopping me. This exam is inextricably linked to futility in my heart's memory. Having been refused an attempt at it before I resent having to prepare the material all over again. I realize there's no choice, but I don't have to like it.

So I'm still miserable.

Sleeeeeeeep.