swept out to sea

Don't let your blog die!

2005-12-14T21:58:00.000-05:00

I started up another blog: Muse and Fury. I did it last summer, around the end of July. It's over at www.femilicious.com.

I thought I would let this one go. I felt it had served it's purpose, had gotten me started, had let me experiment with keeping a blog but that since I'd birthed my own domain I would let this one fade. I never realized people read it. I knew people spammed it, but actually read it and find something useful or interesting here? Hah! I certainly never realized that one of my posts had become the top result on google for the search "Sony Kinetic". That's a lot of responsibility - especially since the game is out now.

Maybe I'll start keeping this up again - it's kind of nice to write casually once in awhile. I can never decide between blending work/academia and personal stories in a blog or keeping them focussed (i.e. separate).

In the meantime, come over to femilicious and read my post about what I think of Kinetic being released as a bundle. Grrrr.

Ahhh! So Lovely!!!

2005-08-05T10:21:00.000-04:00

Tuesday night was date night.

We went out for dinner.

It was so lovely.

We had drinks.

We had tofu.

Mmmmm. Drinks and tofu.

I had such a good time.

Ahhh. So nice.

What a great time.

pacing

2005-08-03T22:21:00.000-04:00

I find myself increasingly unable to sit still. I *must* get more exercise. Lately, when I'm writing or marking papers I write a line or two and then must get up from my chair and pace the floor, around the table, peek out the window, putz and then I can sit again for another five minutes. It's taking me a lot longer than it should to write a paper I think. I've tried disciplining myself and forcing myself to sit in the chair for half an hour and then giving myself a 10 minute or so break - but it doesn't really seem to work. I cannot write until I'm ready - sitting in the chair doesn't make a difference.

I need a vacation.

My skin is peeling off with stress (aka eczema). It hasn't been bad like this is years and years. I forgot how painful it is. Luckily I'm heading to Toronto, and to Thompson's Homeopathic Pharmacy (I'd link to them but they don't seem to have a website) - the only place that makes my beloved calendula cream - the only thing that soothes my burning skin -ahh so comforting just to see the cardboard box. Though I'll keep hoping that maybe when these classes are done next week I'll experience a miraculous cure and my skin will be all better.

I need a vacation - did I mention that?

guess I'd better get back to the paper of the night . . .

taking it off

2005-07-26T18:41:00.000-04:00

I've been working on putting all my papers up on a website in hopes of making them work for me. Considering all the work I've put into them it's only fair that they reciprocate. Problem is I'm realizing though, that women's studies is a pretty touchy feely kind of discipline. There's a lot of personal stuff in these papers. I'm having to spend a lot of time going through them and taking out the stuff I wouldn't want (for example) my father to read (not that he's going to read it, but still). Or for example my boyfriend. Or my boyfriend's friends.

Someone sent me an email about how all his friends are going to see me with my shirt off. I guess if they've read the previous post here about how I have no breasts it won't be such a shock. ;) But really, what can I say? It's art. and it's women's studies. how can you have the two together without a topless woman somewhere on the page? I think it's artistic enough to avoid any nsfw-ness . . . and besides, this is Ontario. It's legal here.

use it or lose it

2005-07-24T23:21:00.000-04:00

Back in the day . . .

I loved algebra. And physics. I did really really well in them too until I got hit by some pretty severe teenage angst. My all-time favourite high school math course was Euclidean geometry. The challenge of proofs got me pretty excited. Ahhhh and chemistry. . . . Mr. Hawke's Periodic Table of Elements was etched in my mind for years. But then that angst hit and I discoverd art and out went the dreams of aerospace engineering and pfffffffff away it all went. Now it's gone. All gone. Fifteen years later and I struggle to understand bitrates and filesizes and whether it's down and then over or over and then down. My brain just doesn't function in these ways anymore.

Sure I can write 4 papers on feminist theory/day and bake a mean (in a pacifist sort of way) vegan casserole but why doesn't math stay in my head anymore? Why am I so easily frustrated? I'm ashamed to say I wasn't confident I was correctly expressing a ratio as a percent this week. What kind of loser does this make me??? I am torn between thinking (1) if I truly needed to I could remember/relearn what I used to know, that I'm fully capable and (2) thinking it's just not possible. I thought about taking Calculus at the U some semester, one of those things I always wanted to do but never got to do in highschool (timetable conflict with some art or music course probably) but it could totally blow my GPA. Same goes for stats. I'm not required to take stats for my BA but it will probably be required for any Masters. Then I start wondering if I really want to go ahead with the Masters. Suddenly sidetracked.

Michael made a video for his Masters. Maybe I could get into his program. :) I'd love to do my anthology for credit. Or a play. Or anything multimedia. Anything but more courses. Gotta get in there and talk to that advisor one of these days.

green

2005-07-18T23:00:00.000-04:00

jealousy is a horrible thing.

I think I am jealous. Not of anyone or anything in particular, just jealous in general. And depressed. I'm getting into a weird sort of state, one that I don't recognize. It's not the usual sort of overwhelming that comes with exam and paper crunch . . . this one is different somehow.

I know it's not that serious because I can still muster the motivation to shower. But that's about where it ends these days. I care less and less about doing my schoolwork. I handed in 16 pages today, another 2 are due in 3 days, another 4 days after that, then 14 three days after that. A final exam the next day, then things get lighter. Ten more pages over the next 2 weeks and one more final then I get two weeks off. Not so bad is it? Hmm 30 pages. Add to that the ~80 excels to mark, then their unix, and the final excel and *then* the 2 weeks off. /sigh/ It's not so bad.

Maybe I've realized that this will be the pace of my life. I will always be overwhelmed. I will never catch up. I've given up trying to find time to bring the sleeping bags to the laundromat. I've found a place that will wash them for me for a ridiculous fee. I'll bring them the comforter that the cat threw up on *last winter* and they can wash that too. And then I can put it back on my bed where it belongs.

I hung my curtains in here finally. I bought the rod about 6 months ago and the curtains 3 months ago. I feel such shame for letting these things stare at me for so long. When I was growing up these sorts of things were unheard of. Tasks were completed as necessary. Things were never left for tomorrow. Of course I don't remember spending much time with my parents . . . I suppose they were busy keeping up.

If I'm always so busy why am I never caught up????

Maybe it's not depression so much as melancholy. I haven't been out of the house for days it seems. I made an emergency tp run because X freaked that she might have to use tissues. It was like stepping into some kind of warped world. People were dressed brightly and talking, some laughing, some miserable. I really wasn't comfortable and got home as quickly as I could.

I've been invited out tonight and/or tomorrow night. I really am not sure I can muster the strength to make myself presentable. I don't want to inflict my bad attitude on anyone else. But declining is rude too.

I just want to crawl in a cocoon and sleep for a month. or a year.

It's probably just pms. I'm sure I've felt this way before. I really need more exercise.

I have a new plan that I'm hoping is going to help. I've given up snacking and have started cutting back meals. I've got to do something about feeling like crap all the time. I'm drinking more water. I don't know how long it will take or if it will work but I have to do something. The water was hard to start but now that I've gotten used to it it's actually working. It's very filling. Of course the lack of calories may catch up with me, might be part of why I'm so tired. But from what I remember, it goes away.

If it wasn't raining (or pitch black night) I'd head outside for some exercise. I'll be crying when ballet starts again. I have 4 1/2 months to prepare for my ballet exam. I have a feeling a lot is resting on this exam. If I don't take it I won't get another opportunity for elementary at this point in my life. I prepared it once before: maybe that is what is stopping me. This exam is inextricably linked to futility in my heart's memory. Having been refused an attempt at it before I resent having to prepare the material all over again. I realize there's no choice, but I don't have to like it.

So I'm still miserable.

Sleeeeeeeep.

pitbull

2005-07-18T11:43:00.000-04:00

While I was away camping and having a lovely (and mosquitoey) time, my neighbours adopted a pitbull. Uggh. I came back to barking at the fence every time I brought a load from the car to the house, everytime I wanted to hang laundry on the clothesline and everytime I needed to get my bike from the shed. The kids and I became like prisoners in the house, afraid to go out.

Our community has a bylaw stating pitpulls older than the bylaw can stay if they're in a specially constructed pen, or muzzled and on a leash under the control of an adult At All Times. My neighbours prefer to let their dog run freely in the backyard, no muzzle, no leash, no adult. Our fence isn't strong enough to keep the nails from popping out if you even so much as bump into it; days like this I'd really like a strong privacy fence even if it does make the yard seem smaller. At least I can't see the teeth coming at me.

Several calls to the bylaw enforcement office and eventually the inspector made a trip out to their house. They were informed of the bylaw - hadn't had a clue - and I was assured that there'd be no further problems. The story goes that they're pet sitting for an out of town relation The warning didn't work. 4 hours later there was the dog again, running loose in the yard.

Inspector came out again and wrote up the first $500 ticket. The bylaws are there to protect us - these people wouldn't even have known if the dog had gotten out of the fence and went tearing down the street. The fence is not strong enough to stop anything that wants to get out. It's really just a decoration. If I was rich I'd build a new one - or Move. The ticket had no effect.

Friday night I called the hotline because Inspector had already gone home. I couldn't stand another weekend trapped inside. So much for the inflatable pool in the backyard: the kids were way to scared to go out the door let alone off the porch or have fun in the pool. Two inspectors came out after hours and there was no dog to be seen all day Sunday.

Well, Monday morning first thing, Inspector calls me to say petsitting is finished the dog has gone back to its owner's and there shouldn't be any more problem. Hah! 15 minutes later as I step out the door to bring the kids to their dad's there's the pitbull, loose in the backyard but this time wearing a muzzle. I call Inspector who says he'll be right over.

When I get back from walking the kids Inspector is on the porch and the dog is in the back trying to tear its muzzle off. It's doing a pretty good job and has it half off already. A little black poodle (another dog that seems to live there some of the time) is helping by pulling fiercely on the buckle. They get the muzzle off so the pitbull has it around his chin like some weird goatee. So much for the muzzle.

It's been a couple of hours and there's no sign now of any dog, the Inspector, or the owner. I'd love to hear "there won't be any more problem" but I'm not sure I'll believe it. We did enjoy the swim last night thinking that the dog was gone and we were safe; it would sure be nice to go back to living like our biggest threats are the smog and the thieves that are basic to the community - but who knows where the dog is now?

my rotten keyboard

2005-07-12T10:53:00.000-04:00

I've given up hope on wireless peripherals. In other words, I hate my Microsoft Wireless Desktop. Sure it was fun at first, we had some good times, my cats had to give up chewing the cords which was good for them too, but I suppose all good things must come to an end.

I've gotten fed up with the intermittent response. New batteries make no difference, nor does resetting the connection. I switched to my brother's mouse which I've got temporarily while I reformat his computer. a few days later I popped in his keyboard too. I decided the wires aren't that much trouble and in fact are a wonderful exchange for the usability!!!

So I headed over to Staples to see what I could find. I was there anyway looking for a firesafe to prevent any further thefts from my babysitters /sigh/ (but that's another story).

I figured since I'm having all this wrist pain lately maybe the thing to do is to look at an ergonomic keyboard. the only one on the shelf was a Microsoft, so when Matt in hardware asked if he could help me find something I laid it out plain and clear: have you got an ergonomic keyboard made by anyone else?

Logitech didn't seem to show anything on their website but lo and behold if Belkin doens't make one. I have no idea who Belkin is - makes me think of Graymalkin from macbeth - but $40 and 7-10 days later (or sooner) I'll be sitting pretty with my new keyboard, or so I hope.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing with the wireless piece of frustration I have sitting on the floor in the playroom/office but maybe it will make a nice toy for the kids. I was thinking of duct taping some wires to it so the cats can have something fun to play with.

what an adventure.

round is round

2005-07-09T21:37:00.000-04:00

Gaining weight is weird. I used to have ballet lessons four times a week plus swing dancing once/week, then it dropped to 2 ballet, sometimes a swing, then one ballet night of teaching, then once a week ballroom. Currently I try to get on the DDR mats once/week. I made it to one Scottish Country Dance lesson so far this summer but that's it. Unfortunately I still use the old solution of nibbling at night to stay awake so needless to say I've gained some weight in the last year.

A friend recently saw my new haircut and liked it but said, "It makes your face look round." Hah. I told her it was actually the weight I'd gained. She quickly said it looked good on me . . .

The same week my 80-something-year-old neighbour caught me in the front yard. He said, "You've put some weight on. Looks good. I hate skinny women." I'm so glad I could make him happy.

I'm torn. Physically I feel awful. About 2 years ago I finally reached a point where I was fairly happy with my body. I mean, I'd birthed and nurtured 3 healthy kids with it, I was 30 years old, could do the splits, kick my legs over my head, spin a pirouette, dance on my toes . . . and I even had a couple of pieces of clothing that I could wear out into public. Feeling good in my body contributed to the confidence that led me to dating, going back to school, taking ballet exams. Of course the body wasn't the only thing - something like confidence builds energy as it gets rolling. Once I found out I could do stuff, well, it carried me along.

But back to gaining weight.

I'm not particularly focused on appearances - I shower, I brush my hair most days. But I'm too busy and not really interested in doing much more. I'm a step away from the crunchy granola I once was, but just a baby step. I'm really having a hard time with this extra weight - is it 10 lbs? 20 lbs? How can I even know? It's not the kind of question you ask. Was I skinny? I don't think so. Am I fat now? I don't know that either. My clothes mostly fit - but the old ones aren't comfortable. Is it because I've gotten used to low-rise or because I've, ahem, grown?

I do know that one of the consequences of this extra weight is that for the first time in my non-lactating life I have breasts. Not big ones, but there they are. Sticking right out of my chest (if you look really closely). This to me is the weirdest thing. Bras have always been an option but now, I feel like people are staring at me if I don't wear one. It may be like I said earlier, that I've move out of the granola phase and it's more socially acceptable in the circles where I move for women to bind breasts, but I can't be sure if I'm just hitting that awkward stage girls usually go through during puberty when they first start developing. Sometimes I want to hide, sometimes I want to walk proudly.

If I try really hard I can make something close to cleavage which is another interesting phenomenon. It's not good enough for tucking dollar bills into so I don't think I'm looking at a new career or anything just yet.

I'm glad it's just temporary (or at least that's what I'm telling myself). I keep saying that I'm going to quit the nibbling and get more exercise but it's hard to not eat when I'm hungry. It's also important that I stay awake and get the studying done. I could learn to drink coffee (blah) but then I'm getting into something addictive and stinky. There's no easy solution.

summer vacation

2005-07-08T14:13:00.000-04:00

School's out and the kids are home. We're home from our camping trip and today's the first day of staying at home. It might be more fun if I had any groceries but even without, we're having a good time.

This morning was spent unpacking (still) from the long weekend. The laundry is endless and so is the sand. The mosquito bites are all healing and lucky for us none of us got poison ivy.

I played cards with my kids. I hope this can ease the parental guilt for another couple of days.

My youngest is here beside me asking me how to spell words and then what the letters look like. He's four and has lost his handy dandy alphabet sheet. The other two are playing k'nex in the living room. No one is fighting, no one is crying. For now. I'm still getting interrupted every ~2 mins which makes studying difficult. I've switched to blogging for a bit of a break and so I have something to show for my day.

I just finished the list of everything I have to do by Monday. I can't believe I've done it to myself again. I've easily got 40+ hours of work on here. Again it will come down to prioritizing and doing half-jobs on several of these tasks, producing less than my best quality work on several of them. That's got to be the hardest part of over-tasking.

There's a shelf I'd like to hang - and oh yeah, the tents are all set up in my backyard. Hmm. Stuff like that - and the rotten boards on the back porch - are just "always there" types of jobs. They don't make it to the list because there's just no way they'll ever get done, even though they'd make life so much easier. I'm not looking forward to going through the porch, nor is it easy to navigate the tent maze. The shelf would mean I could get the books off the floor - /sigh/

Maybe I'll forget about the school work and focus on housework.

There's no easy answer.

discovery

2005-06-27T18:05:00.000-04:00

I got an incredible amount of studying done this morning so treated myself to processing some of the photos I've had sitting waiting for so long. The results of my afternoon's efforts are here. There are a couple of shots I really like. Xana's first coach back at the community centre was Tricia who is now a full grown adult and performer with Cirque de Soleil. What a great artist and what a wonderful person. I'm glad she's getting some recognition.

What I learned today was how important it is to spend some time doing the stuff that recharges me. Since dancing continues to be beyond my organizational skills playing with photos will have to fill the void again. Two hours of processing and I feel like a human again. My wrists are killing me from the typing but I have produced something worthwhile, that means more than a grade on a paper. These are real people, not just essays in books.

I'm glad I did it, even if it means my list of chores is still long.

brainless

2005-06-26T23:40:00.000-04:00

Tonight I'm frustrated. I've gone and taken on too many things again. I've got people at school who want me to do stuff. I have ballet stuff that needs to get done. An exam in December? Hah. I can barely reach my toes and for more reasons than one. The garden needs attention, so does the house, my own body, the list is endless. I remember when I used to read to my daughter all day long.

Tonight I hate my wireless keyboard and mouse. For over a week (maybe 3?) I've had intermittent functioning. Batteries are brand new so it's not that. I'll be typing along at lightening speed and I'll look at what I've written only to see that the cursor froze half a line ago. Clicking around and hitting random keys usually brings it back but what a waste of time. I can't find anything in the manual to explain what's happening and I'm just about ready to get rid of it and go back to my old one with the keys that don't bounce. At least it types.

My wrists hurt. It started Thursday while I was marking computer assignments. Eighty-five 3 page papers using the features of MS Word. I can't believe how many failed the assignment. I should be finalizing the spreadsheet that maps out all the marks but pffff. I'm not really caring right now.

Maybe I should be finalizing the participation marks for the other course I'm TAing. They have to be in the day after tomorrow. /sigh/. I'm so tired of all of this.

I'm getting a lot of pressure to get my website up. People have started asking me about it: when I'm going to get some content on it for example. I wrote about 2000 words tonight for 5 different papers - all could go on my website. But I'm held back by multiple blocks (css, time, knowledge, other responsibilities) and so I do nothing.

I thought about putting up wordpress over there and just putting up the papers as blog entries but pffff again. The Famous 5 minute Install is not 5 minutes for me. They don't include in that 5 minutes all the further research required to find out what they're talking about. I have to remember that I'm not stupid and I can figure stuff out eventually, but when I have to stop to keep looking stuff up before I can proceed it gets frustrating. I'll let it wait some more. I try to tell mysel I don't care.

I'm going camping in a couple more days. I've got a long list in text pad of all the things I have to pack and remember to bring. I'm looking forward to it -sort of. I'm not sure how I can leave everything here behind (including my cats who no one's available to feed). I'm a bit stressed about how the kids are going to behave. I've accepted that they will be beastly, but it's not making it any easier. I'm going to pack a lot of bandaids. I'm going to try not to yell. I'm hoping that they'll enjoy themselves so much that they'll forget to fight. I suppose that's not very realistic.

I suppose the thing to do is start with one thing and go from there. I guess the thing to start with is the next paper that's due. Blech. I'm burning out again. Tonight my dream is to work on the line, brainless. seems such a relaxing contast to this exhaustion and endless list of chores.

Doing it

2005-06-17T14:36:00.000-04:00

It's actually working. This week, in between working on the cyberethics paper due in ummmm 11 hours, I've been working on the ddr extreme. That guy was right. The key is working with the music and letting the arrows just 'guide' your feet. I've cleared a bunch of the songs on heavy - when last time I tried I coudn't even get through standard. Okay, so I'm doing the simpler songs, with strong and steady rhythms, but still - I feel like I've crossed into a new dimension of ddr play. I'm so proud of myself.

I wanna dance

2005-05-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

E3 had tons of different dance games this past week. I got to try ddr extreme 2 with the hands and feet, Into the Groove, and DDR Mario, but I got the most out of playing versus mode on Ultramix 3 with some super dude. Just compare these screens. His side is on the right.

He claimed to be all out of shape since he took up smoking but he was zooming along to 'Butterfly' on Heavy. I did alright but only on Light.

I talked to him afterwards about my struggle to complete Standard level. I can finish some of the songs on DDR extreme but certainly nowhere near all of them. He says it becomes more important to listen to the music rather than focusing on the visual arrows and to keep time with the beat. He also says it takes a Lot of practice. He's been playing for 8 years. Considering I only started at xmas 2004 and I don't even have time to play on a weekly basis I suppose that's reasonable, but i want perfection! now!

I wonder if there's anyone out there who gives ddr lessons.

Sony's Kinetic at e3 2005

2005-05-19T17:11:00.000-04:00

I'm here in LA at e3 2005. The weather is wonderful; it's so gooooood to be warm. It didn't take long but I already have my pick for best of the expo: Sony's Kinetic for Eyetoy.

It caught my eye when I spotted the woman standing before the screen moving her arms slowly through the air, her hand following a green ball on the screen. Immediately to her right was a man doing martial arts, kicking his legs into the air and karate chopping his arms left and right and hitting targets with his head. This was the demo for kinetic.

I talked for a while to Mark Parry of Sony London who is a developer for Kinetic. The idea is a complete physical experience where the user has full body freedom. There are no constraints to a dance mat like DDR extreme which uses the combination of a dancemat and eyetoy.

The technology has added some invisible buttons which let the user know when they've stepped out of the camera's calibration by saying "step forward" or "step away" and they've added a fish-eye lense to the camera so that the user's entire body can be seen on the screen. Mark seemed to think that this fish-eye will be available either for purchase for people who already own the eyetoy or might even be given out free. With the currently lense on games like anti-grav only the user's torso is visible.

What I saw at their booth were the 'Mind body' and the 'Martial Arts' modes. Mark says there is also a cardio mode. Mind-body has a yoga section, a tai-chi section and a mediation section to help the user develop balance and 'peace'. The martial arts mode is not guaranteed to increase your skill in combat but I can't see any harm in it. Maybe there should be a recommendation to stretch first though. Those targets were over the demonstrator's head.

There is a 12-week fitness program Mark says can be set up and this increases in difficulty as you improve (or alternatively gets simpler if you stink). You can add some toning to the end of your workout as well where a character on the screen does some abdominal work on the floor. The screen splits so that the user can see themself on the screen and see if they're movements match the display. All along there are tips for increasing difficulty or keeping up incase you can't look at the screen. This is a bonus of the fish-eye lense. Without it would be just like looking at any old fitness video. Wouldn't you like to see yourself doing an ab workout?

I really really like the eyetoy. I'm so glad more cool games are being developed for it. I know there's more to gaming than shooting and killing. And developers like Mark seem to realize the market for fitness and wellness. I see some awesome potential: for example one day it would be great to practice some ballroom dance with your choice of lead or follow partner. Or a complete dance theme package with ballet, tap, modern, jazz, hip hop, belly dance . . . What a great great teaching, practice, and rehearsal tool.

K. time to get back to the exhibits.

e3 ballet

2005-05-18T16:15:00.000-04:00

I'm off to catch the e3 plane as soon as I'm done teaching 3 ballet lessons.

This year I'm anxious to check out what's new in non-handhelds. Last year was sony's eyetoy (sooo cool. The 'kids' (ahem) got one for xmas last year and 'we' love it). I'm hoping for a new dance game - maybe something like ddrextreme that combines the dance mat with the eye toy. Or more complex eyetoy games. The ones that came with ddr extreme are kind of hokey. Maybe I just haven't figured them all out yet but I'd like the difficulty level to increase for hands and feet. Even my kids get bored.

Anyway - off to that dance class. I don't know how I'll concentrate. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

haircut

2005-05-16T09:34:00.000-04:00

I haven't had a haircut in 10 years. My hair is long, straight, and brown and almost to my waist. There's no style, nothing fancy. I wear it in a bun or a clip or in little princess Leia twists on the top or sides of my head.

I just finished the final touches on what was a 5+ year epic divorce (and don't forget to count the years in hell). That's another story but it's finally over. Just like women in the 7th month of pregnancy feel like it's time for a change to refresh themselves, so do I now. My life is so different than what it was.

This is the same way I wore my hair from kindergarten to highschool. I feel like a little kid. When I was a teen I did the shaved head thing (ahh the 80s) but kept a ponytail on top. Now I want to feel like a grownup. I don't want to spend any time actually 'doing' my hair (what language, what a concept: that hair must be 'done') but I want to look a bit more professional when I'm schmoozing round the university.

I feel like it always looks scrappy and a mess so why not cut it, and look bad with less weight and a change?

It's really going to smell bad in the bonfire though. I wonder if I can find a way to give it to Locks of Love or one of those other places that make wigs for people who've lost hair to chemotherapy.

Until they close the scissors I can still change my mind. I didn't really think they would say come today at 1:30. But maybe they heard the fear in my voice and the courage/idiocy it took me to make the phone call. If they scheduled me for another day I might change my mind and never do it.

I guess I look at it as some sort of healing ritual too: shaking the rest of the bad stuff, instead of carrying around that history with me every day. And sort of a rite of passage. Can I do it? Can I really grow up?

breathing time

2005-05-09T09:55:00.000-04:00

It's time to breathe. I've had a wicked and crazy semester. Now it's time to apply for a scholarship for next year, file my taxes (yes, late I know. I make so little money it really shouldn't matter) and clean the house and do all that stuff that's been waiting patiently in my virtual inbox.

This weeend at the frg was eye opening. I sat around listening to people present papers on research that is interesting but doesn't really seem to get anywhere. I didn't go to the ones on Buffy as a 21st century heroine (there were two) or the use of some feminist theory (I forget which one) in the novel Shirley. The closing remarks discussed the traditional relationship between Women's Studies and Activism and this is what speaks to me. I don't really see where the research is going to really make a concrete difference in practical life. It seems to be that it contributes to that elitist division between ivory tower academia and The Real World. Saturday's keynote speaker, Dr. Julie Fraser talked about how different it is to work in a university setting compared to actually being employed in public health. People do not have the same familiarity (or outrage) with issues of diversity and discrimination. The problems people face are so different: real people with real problems - food, shelter, disease, trauma. Reading about it and studying it needs to lead to concrete practice or change in practice.

So now I'm torn again. Is academia really a good way to do what I want to do? Over the course of listening to all these papers this weekend I kept a running list in my head of all the research I want to do. The conference was inspirational. Talking to the woman who's looking at impact of plastic surgery on a woman's life had not realized that sometimes breast surgery prevents or inhibits milk production which in turn affects a newborn. To me it was a 'hello' moment: I realized that standpoint theory is correct - it's important to look at an issue from multiple perspectives to really explore it fully.

The paper about childbirth practices and a later discussion with someone who's considering midwifery school showed me that my 11+ years dealing with the politics of birthing gives me a unique perspective. I've experienced midwifery care both before and after Ontario legislation and to me the negative impact is clearly visible. There was no mention of this but when I raised it I could see the looks of "I never thought of that" on many faces.

This is stuff that I could do. But as an undergraduate? Can this be done outside the university? Could I be involved in another way and make money (since I know there's no money in women's studies anyway)?

I won't give up plans for the master's yet since I have a good chance of getting a scholarship. Things like that only present themselves immediately upon graduation. If I wait it will be gone.

I think I'm going to record that list of research topics. Maybe I'll find a way to combine it with a get rich scheme someday.

keep it going

2005-05-04T14:40:00.000-04:00

I have such a great life.

I mean, sure there are problems - (that's another post) - but things are really really good right now. I'm crazy busy doing a great project for the FRG conference. I framed my posters in some cheapie frames matted with black bristol board (shhhhh don't tell anyone) and they look so good! I'm working on a tie-dyed backing cloth and plan to quilt my title onto the sheet. I still need to make those dice and a few other things but it's all looking soooo good.

Dance classes are so good. It's so nice to be out and about dancing and stuff. For the first time in my life I really have the freedom to do what I want to do, when I want, and not have to worry about anyone else. There are good parts to being a grown-up. The possibilities seem endless. Days like this I really and truly feel like I can do anything. Really, the only limits I have are those that I imply on myself.

I know in another week this mood will all pass and I'll be swamped with classes again, (and trying to decide whether to take that ballet exam in June or December . . .) but for now I'm just going to enjoy this good feeling.

I don't even think I need chocolate today! Now *that's* a Really Good Mood.

Making Pictures

2005-05-03T17:32:00.000-04:00

I made it back from Toronto. My whole weekend of vacation is now officially over. I went over the syllabus for my York course and it's massive. There's sooooo much reading.

Preparations are proceeding well for the FRG conference this weekend. I've got my photos printed - you can see two of them here - and my game board is printed as well. Now I just have to assemble everything, make some polymer clay dice . . . write a paper about it all and then print all that up too. It's going to be a busy week but it's all fun stuff.

I'm surprised how much work (and cash) goes into a poster presentation. At least as much work as writing a paper - and a lot more money. I set myself a budget and I'm still inside it, but barely. It would be nice to think that I'll have a use for these items afterwards but I can't imagine what. What will I do with a pile of ~12x18 b&w photo collages? It would be nice to take good care of them somehow. I don't really want to hang them in my room - Do You???

who's got time

2005-04-19T10:35:00.000-04:00

so many blogs, so little time...

only four more papers and one more exam...ahhhhhh.... I really need a break. So instead of studying this morning I'm enjoying myself playing over at flickr.

I've had the account for a while but haven't really had a chance to get it organized. take a look.

I've been doing nothing but studying for days. Over the weekend one project was 15+ plus almost 20 pages of data/charts/etc. Another was 10 pages, another 5. I had no idea I could be so productive. What I can hardly believe is that all three papers were for the same class, due on the day of the final exam. This prof really didn't have much clue. The class got out of hand in the first two weeks and after that it never really got back under control.

This course had no prereq's so the students in it came from all different disciplines. It really bugs me that this class therefore became representative of women's studies to all these people. I wouldn't be surprised if they all walked away saying ws is awful, unorganized, etc. It comes back around to the vicious funding circle. The department has no money so can't hire full-time faculty. So they hire sessionals with no experience. So the classes stink. So no one wants to take them. So the department gets no money. The few courses taught as 'women emphasis' from faculty in other departments are good. I had an excellent feminism and philosophy course this semester, have had excellent women's history, gender and sexuality, women and religion. . . but all of these are taught by faculty from other departments.

i don't know the answer. Although I'd like to teach in ws when I'm done I know it's not very practical. Without a phd there's not much hope I could be tenured even if there was $$. And why go through the struggle of the phd when there isn't a job?

the end of semester blues

2005-04-10T23:06:00.000-04:00

One more week of classes and then final exams. One weekend off and then my York distance ed class begins. Blech. I really thought I would have three weeks off. The night I found out that all I get is one weekend was a bad one.

I've been working on this project which some friends whipped into code and are hosting out and around the web in various places. If you'd like to play along, click here

I'm sick of school - don't I say that every semester? I've convinced myself to stick it out the full two years and finish up an honours. I really ought to do a master's right away so I can take advantage of the scholarships out there for grads. There's always way too much to keep track of.

I missed the osap deadline by 2 (non-business) days. I'll have to head to the financial aid office first thing in the morning. The budget looked good until i found that class at york is going to cost as much as the three from windsor combined. I'm so glad I'm getting two credits for it.

Today was a good day. I went to visit my parents and we spent a lot of it outside. We rode around on the little electric scooters my dad built and then Xana and I went bike riding together. I really should have been marking and writing papers but I really really want to spend time with my kids. Go figure. I'm at the point now where there's so much to do that I'll never get it all done so why do any of it? I think I get this way at the end of every semester.

I can wait for my weekend of summer break. Yippee.

Dys/Utopia in Gaming

2005-03-12T08:58:00.000-05:00

I need to compile a list of games (pc, ps2, xbox, etc.) that take place in or create a vision of the future.

So far my list isn't very long:

- Doom (1, 2 and 3)
- Half-life (1 and 2)
- Deus Ex

I can't really say which of the games I'm seeing on google are good games either.

Ideally the games should be able to be found/purchased/played without any copywrite issues.

I was shocked that my professor left games off the list of examples of where we see artists and scholars visioning the future. Apparently he's not much 'into technology'. He hadn't even considered it. I'm hoping to prepare a list and include a description of whether utopia or dystopia is foreshadowed in the game. I figure it's a great way to engage the students next fall. I can just imagine a session where we sit around playing games. :) What a way to earn a degree.

My New Keyboard

2005-03-12T08:25:00.000-05:00

Wow. That about sums it up. The keys bounce back up.

It's funny how how when you're used to using shoddy, ineffective equipment another piece of shoddy, ineffective equipment doesn't isn't even noticeable. I should definitely be able to get an A with this keyboard. I'll certainly be able to write my papers a lot faster. It's bizarre. I never would have guessed that it could make a difference.

The wrist wrest is cool too. No finger cramps.

Of course now I'm noticing what a crummy chair I have (which I got off the side of the road at end of semester one year. Garbage picking is great when the students leave to go home to mom and dad). or maybe it's my desk. Someone send me an ergonomic specialist please. I know my set up is less than ideal. I really should figure something out to improve it. Microsoft's keyboard came with some info on 'Healthy Computing' and they emphasize the importance of setting up comfortably. After working on the project due on Monday until 2 a.m. last night my back was killing me. I heard Rob's back is aching down in California from carrying around his laptop at GDC..... I'm not sure how much sympathy I'm really feel in that department. ;)

There is a problem with using the cordless phone in here now though. I doesn't seem to be compatible with the RF keyboard and mouse. Maybe I can fiddle with the channels or something - it would be nice to have a phone in here for when my dad calls for help with his computer.

Purchase

2005-03-11T13:54:00.000-05:00

I went out this morning to get a birthday gift for a party X is going to tonight. I remember the good ol' homeschool days when she and I could pick out or even *make* gifts together for birthdays and other occasions. Now she's at school and I'm picking up the obligatory gift because the invitation came two days before the party. Pretty frustrating.

However, since I was out anyway and right across the street from Future shop I thought I'd stop in and see what they had. Ever since Rob pointed out what a crummy keyboard I have (thanks Rob) I've been noticing the cramps in my fingers and how other people's keys bounce back up after they're struck. Hmmm. Funny I never noticed that before.

I've been researching online and seeing what's out there and how much and decided that with all the papers I have left to write for school and since X is now learning to type, I can justify upgrading.

I had hoped to avoid a ms product but it turns out Future Shop had the ms wireless desktop on sale 1/3 off. It's got the curved keyboard and includes a wireless optical mouse. No, I haven't set it up yet - I will do that momentarily. I'm hoping to learn to use the fancy features it has - apparently (according to the salespitch on the box) they'll save me lots of time and will take only moments to configure. I'm not sure about all this wireless stuff - I really should learn more about the whole rf and health link... yeah right. As soon as I have time.

Ouch

2005-03-11T13:49:00.000-05:00

After bringing A to the bustop this morning I bashed my leg - specifically my right knee - on the car door. Wow. Did it ever hurt.

I still went to practice ballet because that exam is creeping up very quickly. Less than 2 weeks now.

Five hours later it's quite swollen, red, and a bruise is developing. And I can feel the pain up to my hip and down to my ankle.

I don't even want to think about not being able to do the exam. It's already paid for and they don't give refunds. And Florence wants me to take it with Betty. And I'm ready. And it's only half an hour away. If I wait until June I have to go over the border to Wixom, far far away.

I need some purring please.

Frustration

2005-03-11T13:41:00.000-05:00

Thinking last night about the whole "I need to be done school" thing has helped me get some perspective. Part of me says I won't work this hard forever. Who knows though, maybe I will. Am I the sort of person who can't give 75%? Do I really need to work work work all the time? I am working myself silly trying to get top marks without letting go of any of my other projects (ballet, art, friendships more or less). Most of these other things are seriously suffering but I'm holding on to them nonetheless. If I just take my time, use the full four years, I can take partial course loads everytime rather than full or even the overloads I was considering, I can set up whatever business I'm going to do post-graduation...I can live on the scholarships and grants and stretch that out as long as possible. In another two years the oldest will be 12, the youngest 6...I'm not sure why I'm in such a rush anyway.

What's pushed this today was realizing that two of the courses I wanted to take this summer (Advanced web design and Women and Friendship) not only conflict with each other but conflict with E's (and soon to be A's) swimming lessons. /sigh/ This leaves me with Cyberethics and Gender and Moral Choice. Maybe I can pick up that other ws course from York...dunno. So instead of getting five courses for the summer I'm having a hard time getting three. Is it really worth all this stress? There's a strong chance that the MLIT won't take me without the honours degree anyway (not that I see a way around the logistics of that) so I should just try and sit back and relax and enjoy the ride while I can.

I need to keep telling myself there's no rush. And if there is a rush I need to figure out why.

meet up turned philosophical

2005-03-10T22:21:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking of starting a windsor photography meetup group. I really should. I have time every other weekend I guess - I want to learn more...

The more I get out and take pictures the sooner I will feel confident with the new camera. Look at that - I can't even say "my" camera. I went back and typed over it.

It's snowing again and I just discovered this excel sheet I agreed to edit is nothing more than an exotic table. There is nothing excel about it. drat. It looks like I may be starting the Entire Project over from zero.

I want spring.

I also want to be done school and doing something productive with my life.

I know that this time is precious and will never come again - kind of like the newborn period in a lot of ways. At this moment in time I am relatively financially secure (debt aside): I know I can buy groceries next week if i need them, I know I can have heat and hot water (and I need them with all this snow everywhere). I have the luxury of organizing my schedule around classes and the needs of my children/jobs with relative flexibility. I can pursue different interests which may or may not lead to future cash flow - I am, in a manner of speaking, well-padded at the moment.

I really need to focus myself in the upcoming months and try and figure out what and where it is I want to be when this is all done. With the true possibility of being done school looming not that far off in the future I feel like I should have a better sense of how I will support my family when the scholarships run out.

I like school, but feel like I'm biding time, waiting to grow up. I know the outside world is not a happy rosy place, but I'm really not a kid anymore. I should be doing what grownups do, shouldn't I?

getting ready for gdc

2005-03-09T15:02:00.000-05:00

No one thinks about all the behind the scenes work that goes into preparing for a trip like this. I spent a big part of yesterday designing and printing business cards for Rob and Jeff to give out while they schmooze around. Let me summarize by saying I am going to get a recycle bag in here *today* where scrap paper/old drafts will go immediately upon exiting the printer/when they're no longer the most current version of a document. Jeff's beautiful cards were forgotten under a big stack of proofs.

Today I tried to create and send Rob a file that they can take to California and print out at Kinko's there in the self-serve printing department. It would have been a lot easier if we'd known earlier that they could open a pdf there. Instead of just quickly saving my work as pdf, most of my time was spent trying to use the frustrating Avery template in msWord and copy/recreate the card from scratch. I've discovered it's so much easier to just set up the document to match the blank cards and then print from Adobe Illustrator without messing with trying to paste into a template. It took me awhile to figure out you cannot get rid of the white border in the Avery template. I wish they mentioned that somewhere (well maybe they do tell you that in the instructions, but I doubt it).

So Rob leaves in an hour from Detroit and he's got two pdf's and a doc to take to warm and sunny California. I sure hope they give some of these out...

And I've got 30 cards for Jeff next time I see him.

FRG

2005-03-09T13:11:00.000-05:00

My first submission to a university conference was accepted today. :) At some point during the first week of May 2005 I will be doing an oral presentation on creating a safe place for women to share and learn from their experiences followed by an interactive presentation of the board game I developed last year. I'm so excited. Now I have to prepare, write and practice the paper as well as get it ready for publishing in the conference guide and get my game pieces dusted off and tidied. I might ask one of my professors to help me with the paper. I really want to do a good job. The presenters are told to assume no prior knowledge in the audience but I don't know how accurate that really is. I guess I need to find out.

I am not a girl

2005-03-09T08:57:00.000-05:00

I am not a girl. I am a fully grown human female. I hate that even at the WomYYYYYn's centre on campus the coordinator calls all the women 'Girls'. I understand the issue with the word woMen and I realize that some people prefer to be called 'girl' because the etymology of the word is not based on a woman's relationship to a man...but this is not at the root of the coordinator's use of the word 'girl'. I asked her.

Last week I called the nurse practitioner to update him about my kid's appointment with the specialist. He told me he'd get 'one of the girls' to pull his chart and update it. There are no young females working in the office. He was referring to the nurses that do the chart work. I really don't think he'd want me calling him a boy - or that I'm going to take my son and get one of the boys to do his surgery. So he didn't mean any offense but does that make it okay? Those women worked hard for their degrees - maybe didn't go to school as long as he did, but still, they are adults. Calling them girls when there are alternative choices - he could have said 'one of the staff' of 'one of the nurses' or 'someone' or just said 'his chart will be updated'.

Post-structural theory and the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis both stress how language shapes our reality. Giving someone a title of respect garners them different treatment than referring to them as something general or derogatory. It's one thing to try and bridge the medical professional/client gap - that's part of the whole reason behind using a nurse practitioner for health care but I don't think it is necessary to call adult women 'girls' in order to take down that wall. If I introduce you to my friend the engineer you will likely speak to him or her differently than if I introduce you to my friend the janitor. My two friends have made different career choices. They both say that as soon as they say what job they have their status changes. The engineer says that respect goes up and the janitor says respect goes down. Of course this is just anecdotal evidence and based on their own perceptions but interesting none the less.

The point is, please don't call me a girl.

tough work

2005-03-04T13:38:00.000-05:00

It's been tough but it's 1:30 and I've managed to find enough to do to keep me from writing my paper. :) I started with a little DDR Extreme mission mode and then I remembered a little project for my mentorship class that has to be done for Monday so I thought I'd work on it for a bit, then it was time for lunch. I perused some info on ballroom and latin dancing classes yet again, thinking how nice it would be to have time to dance again (even if they are beginner classes. again.) I think I've just about got Roger and Georgi talked in to signing up as well. She'll be 9 months pregnant by the time the session finishes. I've never seen a pregnant tango before (I feel a photoshop coming on). They've always wanted to take the lessons so this would be a perfect time imo. Rob has only said that we can "talk about it more later." A little slippery I'd say. I've got my fingers crossed. If he says no maybe I'll call on Yolanda. Hear that Rob? You're my first pick. :)

procrastinating

2005-03-04T10:45:00.000-05:00

Rather than working on my photography business (which is just too mighty intimidating) I've taken to designing business cards. I did a couple for myself for the photography thing, I made one for a friend's pc repair business and now I've done one for my dear ol' dad. He's so cute: he got his first computer just before xmas and left it all in the boxes for a month while he built a desk (oak, fancy trim, locking secret compartment). He wanted a card so that he can give people his email address without having to write it down. I guess at 61 he knows how hard it is to remember things. I hope he likes it.

If I don't find another little project to do I'm going to have to write my philosophy paper. At least marking all those horrible papers is good validation: I can write in sentences! I finished the first year papers last night. Two students got 3/15 and the top mark was 13.75/15. Her paper was such a treat: full sentences, decent style, three strong arguments supporting a real thesis, explained and supported by the readings. Aaaaaah. Such a treat.

eXtreme vacation

2005-03-02T14:35:00.000-05:00

Enough with the marking papers. They're all drivel. :-/

I decided to treat myself to a nice cardio workout of DDR Extreme. Masquerading as a gift for the kiddies last xmas the game is really mine all mine. The truth is, it was love at first sight for me and ddr last May at E3.

Today I discovered "mission mode" is unlocked! In single player mode there is a block of squares five by five with 25 missions to complete, but only a few can be unlocked at a time. After you successfully complete a mission the block is replaced by a piece of a puzzle. When they're all filled in it looks like it will be a picture of (drumroll....) people dancing! The more you missions you complete, the more choices you get of which one to unlock next. If you fail too many times, you lose choices. I managed to do about 20 of them (I really needed a treat).

The only clue you get before you unlock the mission is the difficulty level, starting at Light and going up to Heavy. Some of the missions are pretty basic: clear the song before your dance guage runs out, clear with a certain number of perfects, get 20 perfects in a row, don't get 3 boos or almosts or goods in a row. Some of them are a little trickier. I wasn't able to figure out how to not step on 2 arrows simultaneously but still maintain enough life in the dance gauge to keep the game going. The one where the arrows started floating *down* the screen instead of up was wild! And I really got a kick out of the mission where the arrows disappeared half way up. On most of these you only play for a clip of the song rather than the whole thing. Once you've completed the mission, the game continues. Another bonus is that if you fail it appears that you can keep trying for an unlimited number of times. Lucky for me. ;)

I still think ddrExtreme is a hoot. It definitely beats marking those dreadful assignments. I want to say I had some fun on my spring break. I guess now I can.

How I spent spring break 2005

2005-03-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

Being a TA is tough work. I have to be available to answer questions from the students at all hours of day and night (especially the day before a paper is due). I have to read their books on top of my own. But the part I love the best is marking their assignments. Blech. I'm halfway through my pile of Assignment #1 and they are terrible. They were given a choice of two thesis statements, no outside research required, three pages max, 1 " margins, no style required.... couldn't be easier, I'd say. How could they blow it?

Well, for starters they are first year students. Second semester, but still first year. Some of them remember to include the thesis in their intro, some don't bother with the intro at all. One had a really nice intro but placed it at the end of her paper. Arrrrgh. Why don't they ask me before they hand it in? It's part of my job! I hate failing them....but how hard should I have to dig to find them some marks?

Some of them get me excited that their's might be the first one that does what it's supposed to do. I get a nice tidy introduction with some writing style, maybe some nice vocabulary, no spelling or grammar errors. And then instead of defending their thesis, they write a paper about colonialism/imperialism/a biography of bell hooks/a list of what they had for dinner and I'm struggling again to find them some marks.

sigh. At least I'm halfway. and no outright plagiarism yet.

.

2005-03-02T09:47:00.000-05:00